A Wednesday Letter

 By now, you know the story of the Mother Letter Project.  See the FAQs for more information. Don’t forget to tell us if you are writing or donating.

This is an excerpt from a letter written for the original project. It is from my dear friend Cindy, who helped me enormously with the Christmas edition. Her letter rings true with to-be-moms, and I love it. As a side note, she and her husband are absolute gems.

Dear Mother,

What can I say about motherhood when I’ve yet to experience the phenomenon?  It sounds beautiful, it sounds terrifying – all at once.  I feel as though I’m prepared, but in moments I do not feel prepared at all, actually.  This motherhood business is no doubt a different devotion than the devotion one gives to a spouse, I suspect.  Much different.  I am guilty of selfishness although I entered into wedded matrimony.  I am guilty of it – will I still be guilty of it when I have children?  I hope not, but I’m sure I will.  I pray to God that he gives me the love, strength, selflessness (can selfishness and selflessness coexist, I find they already do, but I wish the latter could eclipse the former), knowledge, wisdom, persistence, guidance and all those precious intangible assets one needs to help mold and shape a growing life.

The truth is, I am a tad baffled by the prospect of parenthood.  No, not a tad – an overwhelming amount.  Mostly I don’t feel like sharing this sentiment, but I’m sharing it with you because if nothing else this letter will be born of candor.  I worry about judgment being passed on me because my husband and I, at this time, are choosing to adopt instead of trying to have our own biological child.  I fear that people will say or think “she’s not ready to have a child” just because I am somewhat perplexed by something I don’t yet know.  Logically, it seems okay.  Emotionally, it doesn’t seem like people would be forgiving upon hearing my personal feelings on motherhood.  I guess that’s why this letter has been difficult to write. 

[...]

I wish this letter were all flowery and purple prose and inspiring and the kind that opens your tear floodgates, but it’s not, because I don’t feel that yet.  …  But, I am optimistic that someday I will feel those things.  I just don’t right now – I feel like thinking about the practicality of parenthood because that’s what I’m faced with, picking up my beautiful son who’s identity is yet to be known and bringing him back to the States so that our whole family can begin to adjust and live life anew.  My life as far as the prospect of parenthood goes consists of discussions with my husband on subjects such as discipline techniques, using regular diapers versus cloth diapers, adoption, fees, calculated waiting, looking for diaper-changing tables, worrying about whether we know what kinds of pacifiers and bottles we need.  My life is logistics right now….  But, I am anticipating emotion – lots of it….  I am hopeful that emotional attachment will rapidly occur and that family as it is known to humanity in its most profound and glorious moments will be bestowed upon us with time.  I am very anxious for that.  And perhaps next year, when I know what parenting is like, I could write something more eloquent on the subject.

                                                                                                             Cindy